Hello, brave Tarnished!
We and I mean I am back! Back with more Met Gala 2022 photos that show forever and ever that the fucking theme of the show is/was ELDEN RING! MOMMY! Or Daddy! Whatever. You get it. So, we've got a lot more pretty celebs dressed in pretty clothes as some of their favorite villains, NPCs, and/or items from the game. You'll just have to scroll and see.
Now, I have so many more of these to go that I'm going to have to do another post about this, so expect a Part 3 at some point. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe next week. Either way, it appears of the 12 million+ copies sold of this game, a lot of those gamers out there are yours and mine favorite celebrities who walk red carpets in expensive clothes that they're given for free and/or actually paid to wear them. I love it, you love it, I am scared for the future as always because we live in a death obsessed cult known as 'conservatives' who appear to be the only ones running anything and with that that is why I delve deeper into video games as an escape from literal life.
Ok! Who wants to see some sexy celebs?! Who wants to see Elden Ring references?! I hope the answer is 'Me!' to both. Here we go!
Fuck yeah! Marika! Radagon! Yes! The star of the real 'Suicide Squad', the star of 'Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets' as the Empyrean of Empyreans! Well played, Cara Delevingne! I mean *spoilers* or whatever - finish the fucking game already, ok! - but Cara here is absolutely killing it as the first phase of the final boss in Mommy aka Elden Ring. You've burned the thorns, you've bested Hoarah Loux, you enter the Erdtree and there she is, there he is, there they are like the supposed Jesus H. hanging from the Rune Arc and they fall to the ground below now wielding their famed hammer and they're ready to fuck you up. I love it. Again, Cara could've dyed her hair red, but I do also like the commitment to The Golden Order and keeping the hair blonde, and I think the red pants is obviously a red reference to Radagon's red hair. Obviously! There is fucking layers here! And this whole belly chain structure is clearly the whole intricate design of the Elden Ring that is in Marika/Radagon's broken body and yeah it looks great. Well played. And not to be outdone, but Cara must've called a friend to play the second phase of the grand finale...
Lizzo is the motherfucking Elden Beast! She looks absolutely gorgeous, yes, and she's fucking killing it as the uncompromising vessel of power for the Greater Will as the Elden Beast. I mean and she's fucking got the sword too, right?! She's got the Sacred Relic Sword and it's extremely powerful 'Waves of Gold' skill. Truly incredible work. It's a bit more flowery than maybe stars and celestial, but it's fucking great. She looks terrific and boy did Disney fuck up not casting her as Ursula for this live-action 'Little Mermaid'. I mean you think people won't fuck up that bad and then they do. Really wild. Anyway, I loved the one two punch of the final bosses in the game and I love both of the weapons they give you. I felt like the ending was great in that this game is filled with one-on-one battles with these horrible demi Gods and then there are also lots of boss battles against a fucking dragon and in the end - you get both. And this final space dragon that also like swims under the floor and all that is both so majestic and it's so serene and it's horribly powerful and terrifying and that's FromSoftware to a T.
It's Roundtable royalty - Roderika and Hewg! Our favorite spirit tuner and our favorite smithing master who have an incredible bond and relationship are being brought to life exquisitely by Annie Leibovitz and her daughter Samuelle! If there is a heart and soul (there isn't) in this game it is Roderika and Hewg who almost seem to meet by chance as Hewg is locked away in the Roundtable Hold by Marika to work for the brave Tarnished to seemingly one day be strong enough to kill her and then there's Roderika who is basically like trying to die when you meet her and is pretty ready to let Godrick cleave her up and attach her body parts onto his own like he does and does and does and then after a bit of a chit-chat she somehow knows how to get to the Roundtable Hold, which seems like something she shouldn't know how to simply do. One of many mysteries in the game, but she gives you the blessed jellyfish ash and she helps you strengthen the other ashes, so I love her and Hewg upgrades your weapons so you can slay a god and for that I love that grumbling old so and so as well.
Fuck yeah! There she is! The Black Knife Tiche! That's my real ride or die right there! We took down Radagon and the Elden Beast together, which I think was fitting as Tiche was the OG demi-god killer and then there we were killing a demi-god and a god-god. Yeah, Janelle Monae is gorgeous and can do no wrong. Look at her crushing this look. Can you imagine Janelle doing twirly whirly backflips, sideflips, and spitting black flame slashes from her Black Knife? Of course, you can! She's the sexiest Rune of Death wielder this side of Caelid, motherfucker! Janelle is gorgeous. I've said this before and I'll say it again, I know 'Moonlight' was supposed to be a beautiful coming-of-age, acceptance of homosexuality and all that and it was, but there was also like 10 minutes in the beginning of the movie where Janelle Monae looked like so crazy hot that it was truly tough to focus on anything else going on. Like damn, Barry Jenkins! Thank you, Barry Jenkins!
And won't he do it, if there's a Tiche- there's an Alecto!
That's fucking right- Lenny Kravitz as Alecto, the Black Knife Ringleader aka Tiche's daddy. And I see it, I see it that not only is Alecto Tiche's like legit father, but I could see Lenny Kravitz also being Janelle's biological and/or adopted dad. Right? Gorgeous man with fashion sense, with excellent guitar skills, with a true sense of stagemanship (that's a word!), and yeah he's got this exotic wizard energy that Janelle Monae carries too. And yeah, Alecto is put in prison, in an Evergaol (something I pronounce as EVER-GOW-WUL I think or sometimes EVER-GOAL cause who cares?) and it's just him and his black knife and he's just chilling waiting to fight you to potentially gift you his dead daughter's spirit, which fucking rocks the fuck out of all other spirit ashes. Lhutel the Headless?!!?!?! PFFFFFTTTTT?!!!?!?! She's a fucking nuisance compared to Tiche. Y'all remember when we saw Lenny Kravitz's penis as a people? As a nation? That's when America was great. Like just that moment.
Major Glintstone vibes! This is a Raya Lucaria Academy motherfucker in the flesh if I have seen one. Damn you, Kid Cudi, you're killing it! Specifically, I think Kid Cudi is Perceptor Miriam. Yours and mine's favorite annoying ass invader in the Carian Study Hall. Maybe Cudi is just a Raya Lucaria Academy student, a Glintstone mage, or this is his intelligence-based character build rocking their gear. Maybe. As for Miriam in general, first time through the Carian Study Hall, I smoked Miriam with zero trouble. But then, when it was flipped upside down? I don't know what the deal with that was, but between those hands and the ghost knights and Miriam firing that Glinstone bow and her teleporting everywhere- that took me several tries. I was just not getting it done in there. Took me two tries to defeat the almighty General Radahn, took me 10 tries to beat Perceptor Miriam - figure that shit out.
If you're going to use magic then you're going to be sipping on that flask of Cerulean Tears, which is what I think Lena Waithe is going for. Gotta restore that FP, baby! As mentioned, I was a strength-build tank-fucker and I really didn't use my Cerulean Tears flask for like 95% of the game. I used it in a few boss battles that I was using the River of Blood katana as I spammed Corpse Piler and sometimes when summoning Tiche I'd have one flask of Cerulean Tears just in case I did want to use a spell as well like just unloading a Dragonice into a baddy boss' face to hurt them, to weaken them, to sap their endurance. But yeah, I beat Radagon/Elden Beast with 14 Crimson Tears in my flask. No need for magic because I'm just stabbing Radagon and the Elden Beast with my Banished Knight's Halberd, which was what I used for like 70 percent of the game.
You know, maybe Lena is a cracked tear. Maybe she's specifically, the Magic-Shrouding Cracked Tear and just going buck wild with Comet Azure in people's faces! Something that looks fun as hell with that Cerulean Hidden Tear mixture in that Flask of Wondrous Physick. Looks fun. Seen people having fun with that combo and yeah - not for me. I'm just stabbing motherfuckers with my halberd! But speaking of that beautiful drinking apparatus of magic...
Chloe Bailey! I'd like to take a drink of her Physick, am I right?! OK! She's... 23 turning 24... OK! Yeah, looking great, Chloe! I definitely beat Margit the Fell Omen, Godrick the Grafted, Stormveil Castle was in my rearview mirror before I realized I never got the Flask of Wondrous Physick. I had picked up cracked tears and crystal tears and whatever, but yeah didn't have that Physick! I felt like a fool, an idiot, and then I got it and then I became drunk on that. Honestly, never really used many of the cracked/crystal tears other than Strength-Knot and Opaline Bubbletear, and, of course, the Purifying Crystal Tear for the Mohg war. Chloe and her sister Halle - wowzers. Gonna both be superstars forever. I love this look. I mean you can choose an NPC we all love like Blaidd the Half-Wolf and it's not basic to do so, but outside the box thinking like being the Flask of Wondrous Physick and making it look real real good - that's genius.
From slightly obscure to crazy ass obscure...
Emily Ratajkowski as the fucking Rainbow Stones?! Are you kidding me?! That's some really like inventory obsession fan-service shit right there. Good for you, Emily! Who knew? Who knew?! Did anyone ever use a single Rainbow Stone EVER? I couldn't tell you what they were even used for. And then you could turn them into arrows too? WHY WOULD I BOTHER?! I seriously could've missed out on a whole thing with those damn stones if they were even something I was supposed to use. I didn't use more than like 5 spells throughout the whole game and that I know was a missed opportunity and I really only tried out about like 7 weapons, but man I never used those damn stones not once. I kept getting them though and maybe that's why Emily found them so fascinating. There's a ton of stuff in these FromSoftware games that legit mean nothing and they're basically red herring's to fuck with you more than you're already getting fucked with in the difficulty of these games, but then they throw stuff like Rainbow Stones or Ruin Fragments. Fucking hell! I may have had 999 Ruin Fragments by the time I was even ready to sniff Morgott's crusty staff, sword, dick whatever and I never used a single one of them. Well done, Emily.
Do mine eyes deceive me or is that motherfucking Torrent jumping all around Naomi Campbell's dress? Hell yeah, Queen! Slay Queen! Who the fuck doesn't love Torrent?! Frenzied Flame ending people who kill Torrent in that final cutscene, which is legit sad as shit, but beyond that - TORRENT IS THE GOAT! Seriously, Elden Ring aka Mommy could not be Mommy without Torrent. Torrent is really what separates this game from other FromSoftware games AND is what separates Elden Ring from its soul-sister Zelda: Breath of the Wild. While Elden Ring doesn't have the fun as shit, maybe the funnest shit ever gliding mechanic like Breath of the Wild, it does have an actual functioning horse that rules. Horseing is such an afterthought in Breath of the Wild that on my second play through of that I don't think I ever used a horse unless it was forced on me. Meanwhile, Torrent ... man, I want a damn Torrent tattoo. Love that fucking ghost horse with horns and such. Melina is my girl, my maiden, my queen because she rocks and all, but she also gives you the Spectral Steed known as Torrent and she rules forever and ever in the fires of the Erdtree for that shit.
Look at this foxy fucking couple- let's just for a moment recognize how we all covet what they have both individually and, arguably more so, together - Gabrielle Union and fucking Dwyane Wade! Damn they look good, great, fucking fantastic. Obviously, Gabrielle - hasn't aged a fucking day, looking like an 11 always - is White Mask Varre with Varre's Bouquet just on her. One of the very very first NPCs you meet and who instantly gets to negging you about being 'maidenless', White Mask Varre is an interesting character who gets you passage to Mohgwyn and later you gotta fight him and he's got such a weird weapon that bloodloss causing bouquet and he's doing that bloodloss swarm of flies too. He's a real one. Gabrielle knows her shit. Now, Dwayne, looking like a damn god. He's got a wizard staff, obviously. I think it's pretty fucking obvious it is the Prince of Death's staff. And I think this is either Dwyane's interpretation of what the Prince of Death looked like and/or this is just an endgame build that Dwyane was working with as death spell sorcerer and just like spraying Fia's mist on everyone and ghostflame up and down on everyone's bodies. Looking fine as fuck though. Love Mr. Wade and Mrs. Union!
The next few are a number of women who are just real big into specific villains you come across in the game and hey maybe your favorites are the bad guys...
You know these things?! These like skeletal silver fish fucks who wear like Pope hats and carry those glaives - man I had a million of those in my inventory when the game was over - the fucking Lesser Kindred of Rot. This is Dove Cameron who is - googling... a singer and actor? Wow, good for you, Dove! - clearly portraying these literal pests doing that homing ranged attack that is annoying as shit. You find these creeps in different areas like Caelid and in Elphael, Brace of the Haligtree. Man, it took me a couple dozen tries to beat that Ulcerated Tree Spirit to complete the Millicent questline (also, ends in a sad way, shocking!) and each time I had to start over I had to fight/kill that one Lesser Kindred of Rot before making my way over to that Scarlet Rot pool to get that fat ass slug of Scarlet Rot to come fight me and yeah that was an annoying semi-boss battle. Super well done cosplay, Dove!
Crystalians! Man, Lily James is the sexiest damn Crystalian I have seen and I have seen many of them because boy there are a lot of these guys and gals around The Lands Between. A shocking number. I remember running into one of them and then like had another boss battle where it was me against 2 of them and then there's 3 of them just like sitting around Elphael (Brace of the Haligtree, of course, of course) and they're like just vibing together I think meditating. It's a great look. They're an interesting villain as they're like these awkward, but graceful dancers made of rock who sometimes use magic, sometimes use a spear, sometimes use like a very dangerous frisbee. Lily's got frisbee energy to me because they like to do those twirly whirly spins like ballerinas. Annoying bad guys because you've got to just backstab the shit out of them until they're defense gets broken and then they're easy peasy to get kill off. I love when the Crystalian drop a bell bearing where you can buy smithing stones. It's a good day in Limgrave when that shit happens. And then I dance my way back to the Twin Maiden Husks, 'I've got a bell for you, sweethearts, and I'd like some fucking somber smithing stone [3]s a plenty, please!'
Abductor Virgin! I mean I'm legit terrified of the Abductor Virgins and I'm legit turned on by Gemma Chan as an Abductor Virgin, so I've got a lot of weird feelings going on right now. Like in the game, I almost always just run from these scary humanoid, evil robots of death because I'm big big scared of when they get close and that door flies open and those like red hands grab you and pull you inside the Abductor Virgin and like all sorts of scary shit is happening to you in there and then they spit you out and you're like dead or half dead. MEANWHILE, I'm real real real comfortable if Gemma Chan opened up her dress and then red hands shot out and pulled me under the dress and legit do not care what happens to me while I'm under there and you get it. It's great. Love it, Gemma!
Oracle Envoy! This is tremendous! TREMENDOUS! A very hot version of an envoy, of course, of course. Cynthia Erivo and I must have a lot in common and she too must've used the site of grace at the Western Rampart in Leyndell to sweep through those like 7 envoys and the 2 perfumers and whatever that fire spitting craggy looking thing is to net yourself like 10,000 runes. Man, I must've killed those envoys a thousand times. I really only had 3 rune farming spots- that one, the famed one in Mohgwyn, and the Gatefront Ruins. A strangely terrifying villain the Oracle Envoy as it blasts its horn and then those holy bubbles come at you in a variety of ways. She looks great. Definitely a memorable bit from the game- either the Leyndell part or the Haligtree.
This one is a little more abstract and, yet, I think she fucking nails it...
Teyana Taylor (who I adore) as GRAVITY MAGIC! Yeah, you did it, Teyana! First off, Teyana and Iman Shumpert are GOALS. They're my favorite couple in the world and have been for a bit since I saw them do that video of answering 30 questions for GQ. LOVE THAT VIDEO. I've legit watched it 3x. That might as well read, I've legit watched that video ONE BILLION TIMES because who in the fuck rewatches a GQ video? No one. THREE TIMES IS A BILLION TIMES. Nevertheless, they're a wonderful couple and Teyana is killing this Gravity magic look. Is she everyone's favorite Rock Sling? Is she being used by a meteorite staff wielding sorcery? If they know what the fuck is good for them then yes! Yeah, she looks great as Gravity magic. It's a real fan's fan kind of look and I'm glad Teyana is really going with what she loves. I'm guessing she went with an INT build and maybe read about how you can kind of bum rush Caelid to snag the meteorite staff and rock sling spell early in the game thanks to GOAT Torrent and then you're kind of fucking people up from then on until the end of the game. It's something again that sounds fun, but I was just jamming spears into people and/or guard countering with my longsword pretty much the whole fucking game.
And you know who loves Gravity Magic...
General Radahn! Fuck and Yes for Megan Thee Stallion with this clearly sexy as all hell and glamorous as all hell take on the gold lion armor of General Radahn. To many, the most famous or most memorable or most beloved bosses/characters in the game, Radahn is unforgettable and so is HTX's Megan Thee Stallion. I think, actually, I know that Megan Thee Stallion could dual wield the fuck out of two big ass black blades and ride a horse at the same time and look stunning doing it. That's what Radahn is up to and doing Gravity magic too. I love that Radahn is just out there on this field of battle just killing whatever shows up when it shows up and in the meantime is eating the dead of his fallen soldiers and he's going crazier and crazier and at the same time is some how knowingly keeping like an asteroid in space from hitting Limgrave and then people from all over just show up at this castle hoping to try their hand at fighting Radahn with the most likely outcome being they're going to die and get eaten. What a game!
So, I don't know if Megan is specifically Radahn or more so this is what she looks like just wearing Radahn's armor once defeating him and then buying that gear from Enia. I mean I wore the shit out of Radahn's gear until I started wearing the Veteran's gear after beating Commander Niall. But yeah, the one thing that she's definitely taking liberties with is I don't think in the create-a-character at the beginning of the game, I don't think even if you slide that bar all the way to the very end are you going to get busty cleavage like that and god bless her for it. And speaking of that...
Yeah, I don't think FromSoftware has the technology on PS4, PC, PS5 to make the Consort's Robe look this damn good. Ok! Billie! I don't think even the pervy horn dog modders out there could make Billie or Megan in this game look the way they do. It's only a game! Technology has limitations! But yeah, I think Billie is a Volcano Manor stan, a Lady Tanith stan seemingly, and she was like how could I wear this Consort's Robe to make Lord Rykard give up being a snake and get back to being a human husband who shares his lovely loyal wife's marital bed instead of living in some weird magma cave waiting to grow strong enough to take on the Elden Beast. And I think she's fucking nailing it. Honestly, Billie did have one of the most memorable outfits last Met Gala. Instagram fully believed that I wanted to see Billie in that dress with that hair from every angle imaginable as well as the BTS of her getting her hair and make-up done, and you know what- IG's discovery was pretty correct about that.
Anyway, last, but for sure not least for today... one of the most beloved bits of Elden Ring...
MIMIC TEAR! Fuck yeah! Jared Leto, you are a freak and I hope I never meet you.
Keep a look out for part 3 whenever that drops!
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