Well, hello there, Tarnished!
Am I right?!
Gotchyoass with that one. So, today is the Met Gala and so was yesterday and maybe more days after that. Who knows? Not me. I know if you're crafting 'pickled turtle neck' to get that endurance boost then you're gonna need, hafta need Rowa fruit (3x!) and, of course, turtle neck meat and a dash of herba. Yeah, I know that. We all know that - here. As for the length and specific days of the Met Gala that is up in there. It's a vibe. A feeling anyway. It lasts as long or as short as you want.
Nevertheless, we have pictures! Pictures of the GALA from last evening! And as the title suggests or flat out says- can you fucking believe it?!- the GALA's theme is/was Elden Ring. Yes, the Ring. The Mommy to me of Elden Ring fame.
Now, they're not saying it out right that it is Elden Ring as the theme. That's a political mess. It's a copyright mess. They're saying it's 'gilded'. They're saying the theme is 'gilded'. Uh huh! Right?! Gilded is code fucking worded for The Golden Order and it's a wink, it's a tongue in that cheek, it's an elbow in me ribs, and it's a polite goose of the fanny for a friend. I'm saying we all know that gilded is The Golden Order, the status quo, the two sides of the coin of our destructor Marika and reconstructor Radagon - it's the damn Elden Ring is the theme in covert terms.
The copyright is because Bandai being a bitch. Bandai bitch wasn't allowing anyone else to ride the coattails of it's monumental achievement in the Elden Rang. But they may have been right by that because time is definitely on their side in that this Met Gala will be most known for being when Roe v. Wade was turned over by the vilest creatures in the United States of America while the richest and celebritiest were galavanting up and down the red carpet - symbolizing Mohgwyn Palace aka Lord of Blood's palace. So, Bandai Bitch is a broken clock, but they were right on this one.
The theme is the theme and it makes so much sense because Elden Ring is fashion, FromSoftware is fashion, Hidetaka Miyazaki is a damn fashionista.
Of course, he is! Bloodborne? Bloodborne is basically 50% fashion simulator. It's a tricorner hat here, a button fetish there, a steampunk sexual this, a waistcoat waifu there. It's horny for buckles, for leather, for hats, for feathers, for jackets, for capes, for blood as well. Anyway, Miyazaki is Met Gala.
Let's get to some of these red carpet photos and let's just say some of these celebrities understood the assignment OK!!
Goldmask! Just a wonderful rendition of our beloved, mute, Golden Order devotee Goldmask pulled off with the effortless grace only an American Youtuber royalty could. And I'm just learning that is what Emma Chamberlain is. I'm sorry, but I was in college when 9/11 happened and it's not necessarily a one-to-one, but because of that I cannot know any or all Youtube famed peoples. So, I'm trusting Google on that one. Thanks, Googz! Emma looks great. She's got that tight, flat tummy that we all associate with Goldmask and it's really working. Did you all do the Goldmask/Golden Order questline? Shocking that it ended, so sadly, right? Who would've guessed? In a FromSoftware game that a questline, even one that seemed rather benign, would end in shame and death? Shocking. Thumbs up, Emma!
Fia! The Deathbed Companion, herself, just strutting her stuff and showing off some lean arms because she's free to do whatever she wants. This is definitely a time and place Fia as, shocking, her questline also ends with her not in the most advantageous positions. Basically, in the same position as Goldmask. Basically, in the same position as everyone at the end of every questline. This is Bee Shaffer, I believe whoever that may be, and she is killing it as Fia in what I believe is post-killing of D and Rogier. This is Fia leaving the Roundtable Hold. She's free to kill whoever, to get revenge on whoever, and she's eventually going to go to the Deathroot Depths and take a little nappy happy, but before then she's going to look sexy walking the paths of Limgrave as every man or woman will be cooing to her to share their deathbed, am I right? Great stuff, Bee!
This next one is one for the real Ringo Rango fans...
I love it, Blake! Do you see it? I see it. Maybe you need a second shot from the damn side...
A vision of true horror! Yes, it's Malenia, the blade of Miquella, in her second form! Yes, it is glorious. ROT ME, BABY! I'm ready to rot! We're all ready to rot! Especially, as Roe v. Wade is being overturned because we all should just rot instead of living in a shitty world like that one. But let's get back to Blake Lively absolutely nailing this gorgeous rendition of Elden Ring's most famous boss of bosses, the Haligtree's secret monster - Malenia. I love it. I love Malenia, I love that I beat her without anyone's help outside of my humble Mimic Tear. Sure, Blake didn't dye her hair red, which would've been STUN NING, of course, but I mean the dress is the dress is the dress and I'm sure wherever Miyazaki is he's probably like half-smirking and drawing up some truly terrifying creature that will haunt my waking nights for the rest of my life like many of his games already do.
There's the handsome couple- Malenia and Let Me Solo Her. That's really just some remarkable inside baseball, internet-love-lore. It's honestly what you'd expect from Ryan Reynolds. He's just so damn quippy and witty and just his references, the dude is the internet, basically. Really great stuff. I like it a lot. And again, I did not need Let Me Solo Her's help. I did it on my own. Yeah, I used the River of Blood katana with the OP Corpse Piler and my Mimic Tear had that going as well and yeah we handled business. It's just a thing of fact. Ok?
Maliketh, The Black Blade! Easily, one of my fav characters and reveals in the game and Ariana DeBose of West Side Story fame is killing it. She's eating this look up! Gender-swap that mofo, I love it. It's great. The brother, the wolf, the guardian of Destined Death all for Marika is an excellent boss battle and the reveal of his true form is like something out of one of my favorite manga's 'Claymore' like Maliketh is some weird beggar with a shiv and then you take out enough of his health and BUHBOOM he awakens into this sexy armored panther with a big ass sword and you know you're fucked good. Have I not said fuck yet? Well, fuck! I love Maliketh and I guess Ariana does as well. I really have no idea who she is kind of. I feel like she wasn't someone knew at all and then West Side Story came out and I guess people actually watched that and BUHBOOM she's an A-lister and good for her. I don't even know who she is in that movie. Didn't she get nominated for an Oscar? I mean I don't watch the Oscars except when someone in the crowd gets on stage and slaps a presenter across the face and then I tune in for that, but I thought the main in West Side Story was a woman named Rachel or Rachael or I could have made that up. I am also realizing I don't really know West Side Story's story all that well and part of me is really confused whether or not what I know is actually from 'Grease'. Am I the only one with this specific Mandela effect? Ok! Ariana, you look amazing!
As mentioned, some are better than others, and this one is ok. So, it's hot Gideon and Enia, the Finger-Reader. I mean, it could've been better sure, but also could've been worse. It's like a young Gideon like maybe before he locked himself in the Roundtable's study and he like always wore his helmet all the time like he was the fucking Mandalorian or something and was really just out there doing his thing, doing magic, empirically learning about The Lands Between. And similarly, this is a younger Enia, maybe before she shut herself in the Roundtable's like finger observation room and became a bizarre merchant of dead demi-gods' clothes, you know? Either way, Austin Butler and Priscilla Presley are doing some great cosplay of what I presume they're hoping is DLC content.
Yeah, wrong game, this is Bloodborne. It's perfect for that, but we're doing Elden Ring, love. Ok? So, Emma Corrin either doesn't give a shit or she got the wrong memo or something because she's close, but wrong. Emma clearly loves Miyazaki and understands what a fucking fashionista icon he is and his nightmarish art is and she's clearly cosplaying as The Doll after having fucked Father Gehrman and like wearing his clothes around the Hunter's Dream cemetery and all that or maybe it's after you kill Gehrman and then he turns into the Moon Presence and The Doll gets a wild hair up her ass and she snags his hat and coat and she just struts around in 'em. I don't know! So, I think Emma nailed it and it's fan-service-y as fuck and I like that and I kind of love that she didn't do the theme and that's punk and I love celebrities.
Meanwhile...
Inspector Gadget? What the fuck, Bad Bunny? This dude is clearly at the wrong event. That's probably why he's got those Opera glasses trying to figure out where he went wrong. Like is this not the Inspector Gadget Con? Is it not May 8th? It's like, NO! You've shown up mad early, Bad Bunny! We love you, anyway. You commit to the bit. You trained to be a pro-wrestler for months, wrestled two great matches, and now you're going to be a professional wrestler superhero in a movie. We love you and it's your time, but you're fucking wrong on this one, sorry.
Witch-hunter Jerren, of fucking course! Well done, Anderson Paak. I like it. It's got some of his own pizazz thrown in there. I won't lie, it took way too long for me to spell pizazz correctly. The autocorrect was fucking throwing pizza and piazza at me and I'm like getting madder at the autocorrect than Melina when you cuddle up to the Frenzied Flame's three fingers. Anyway, Jerren. Did you kill him? I did. Or did you kill the witch? Sellen? I wasn't killing her. I did think about it, but she kept offering to teach me sorcery and kept talking about how she was my mentor and I was her protege or whatever and I was like me and Sellen are ride-or-die ... until Rennala just snaps her fingers and turns her into an upside down ball of heads. I know what you're saying- balls cannot necessarily be upside down and yet that ball of heads felt exactly upside down and I've been waiting for someone to say that for WEEKS. You're welcome. I fucking killed Jerren. I guess Paak chose to kill Sellen. Either way, SHOCKING, that questline ended in everyone unhappy.
Mohg! The Lord of Blood! Yeah, this is some second form Mohg right here. I get it, Gigi Hadid, Mohg is easily one of the most memorable boss fights in the damn game. Maybe, the most memorable. Like Malenia is arguably the most memorable and all that, but, honestly, it took me way more tries to beat Mohg and it's not necessarily the more tries the more memorable, but that is a crazy fight from beginning to end with Omen boy Mohg. There's no wings, but I get it, Gigi. Like it's just got big Mohg in his second form energy.
As opposed to...
Like big Mohg energy, for sure. Just real big Mohg energy, but not the second form. First form Mohg in Mohgwyn or maybe even Mohg in that church in the Subterranean Shunning-Grounds underneath the Leyndell Capital. Like that makes a lot of sense because Hillary Clinton is also like obsessed with capitals, right? Really obsessed with them. So, yeah, let's just agree, I think we already have, this is the Mohg, the Omen, that I guess Morgott hid underneath the city to go visit? I don't know. The Mohg that you beat and then you go onward to get that Frenzied Flame frisking. I knew H-Dog was a big Ringo Rango head.
Why are all these politicians here? Whatever. So, clearly, Mayor Eric Adams is an enigmatic Albinauric like all-dressed up and going to a Ruth's Chris or something instead of like sitting around in Mohgwyn waiting to explode with blood spikes. And I'm guessing that's his wife who looks great and has never heard of Elden Ring.
From a real mayor to a fictional one, Venus Williams is obviously Nepheli Loux. It seems like that questline can go a number of ways, but yeah I made sure to get my girl Nepheli Loux as the new Lord of Limgrave. Did you? I mean she helped me beat Godrick the Grafted. It was me, my longsword, my jellyfish ash summon, and Nepheli and it took us a few tries, but we whipped that creeps ass. You know, you know, you know a 1000% that Godrick is a necrophile. You know it and he had to go. Had to go. And Nepheli was doing some great work in that fight and then she became the Lord of Limgrave and this is Venus Williams as her as she would look if she were attending the Met Gala. Like its got layers. Nepheli is a warrior as is Venus and yet they are both fashionable women of power and authority and they look great.
Now, I know what you're saying, where are my horny boys and girls of Volcano Manor?
And to that I say, I got you...
Rya! We got the sometimes serpent, sometimes human daughter who seems to want to bring the end of her own family of Volcano Manor. It's definitely like a sleek and sexy vibe here from Sky Ferreira. There's some liberties. But we get it. This is like maybe you didn't speak to her before you kill her dad and she's then just like disappeared and she gets her hair did and buys a nice dress. Maybe there is a happy ending when you don't talk to her for the 1000th time that one time when you need to and she's fucking just gone and maybe she discovers herself and gets her groove back or whatever.
Clearly, Sophie Turner is the Head of Volcano Manor, Tanith. Clearly. Nailed it! Now, one would've thought Joe Jonas would've been the black knight right by her side, but I guess Joe is a bit more of a fan boy than that and I think he's supposed to be either Diallos or maybe like hot Godskin Noble. I guess it's really an up to interpretation for Jonas. I kind of feel like he'd fit in with the Hoslow clique of I guess blood-letting/worshipping, barbed chain whip using knights who I think have some of the coolest gear in the game that I never used. Or he could be a death worshipper right hand man who knows how to use and wield that lovely black flame of death. And really as a boy born-and-raised in Jersey, both sound right.
Lastly... Lord Rykard!
Jessica Chastain, hell yeah! Killing it! The God-Devouring Serpent, the Lord of Blasphemy, the star of 'Molly's Game' - Jessica Chastain aka Lord Rykard! Very fun fight and a fairly easy one at that, but a really cool looking fight that I enjoyed. I really dug the hell out of the Volcano Manor questline and kind of thought there should've been a specific ending for them, but whatever. The endings are all whatever. I think that's basically everyone from Volcano Manor...
Oh right, Patches! Who could forget Patches? A character that is kind of just in the Volcano Manor storyline for some reason, but sure a fan-fav I guess. Jeremy Succession is kind of perfect for Patches. Is Kendall really Patches?
I have so many more photos! I'll make this a part I and I'll have a part II for you tomorrow!
Comments
Post a Comment